Me in between


Lately, everything’s been a bit weird. On the one hand, I just want to go out with my old friends and go crazy. On the other hand I want to be alone, lock myself in my room and just do nothing but think. But every time I think about my life and problems I get depressed and nothing good comes from my depressed self. I think my main problem is that I behave so different around some of my friends than I do with others. But yet, I never completely fit in. In nicer ways you could call me unique but I don’t think so. I just think it’s me and my ‘’oh so lucky and happy’’ self.

Well, here goes. There’s this rather large group of girls in my class. We bitch about each other, we yell, we fight. But in the end we realize that we love each other and make up. Sometimes officially and sometimes we just forget about it and move on. The latter is a problem.

You never completely forget and move on. A fight is a disagreement and that means each of you have their own opinion. And either you accept the others opinion or you don’t. When you don’t, you get mad. And your opinion will always stay and there’s nothing that can change that. And this is going to bother you, consciously or subconsciously, until you both make peace and you only get peace after you officially made up. But when you’re friends with someone and you don’t actually make up after fights it’s going to be really bad. Other fights will come up that you’ll seal the same way and both of you will keep it bottled up inside until it blows up. And when that day comes, all hell breaks lose. And believe me it will be ugly, really ugly and innocent people will suffer. It will be like world war three. And you will end up hurt, not only you but people who, unfortunately, just happened to be around as well.

But enough about that, back to the topic. Of course those girls mean a lot to me because, well, they’re my girlfriends people who you come to, to gossip and be, you know, a little girly. But then there are my old friends. Boys. Typical boys. But when I’m around them, I feel like I can finally be myself and let myself go, you know, just go crazy for a bit. We’ve been through so much together and know each other since, well, forever. They can always cheer me up and make me laugh. And sometimes, that’s just what I need. They know me. Maybe even better than I know myself. And they don’t brag about it, they just do.

One of those guys, is my best friend. We’ve known each other our whole lives and I mean literally. He’s a couple of months older than I am but we met the day I was born. So we’ve never known a life in that the other didn’t exist. When everyone is against us, we will always have each other and sometimes, that thought was what kept me from giving up. He gives me strength when I need it and stays away when I need space and the other way around it’s the same. Even when I have boy trouble he listens and helps me in any way he can and, again, it’s the same with me when he’s got girl trouble. He’s the one person in the world, that I truly count on and trust and he has never let me down. Whatever bothers me, he can make it better. Whenever I mess up, he understands. And when I need to cry, he’s my shoulder to cry on. And I’m forever grateful for that. We’re brother and sister and we always will be.


So now, every time I get home from school, I feel normal. The normal bit of anger, depression and just plain annoyance but the words of the people on my side still in my head. Every day it’s the same routine. Someone picking up a fight because of something they claim I did or didn’t do. And the thought that in the next morning, every thing is forgotten and, for now, forgiven. But there are days when I’m lucked out. Those are the time I walk out of school with a smile on my face. And the remainings of my good mood clearly visible. Why? Just from a plain and simple good laugh. Nothing more nothing less. Just a good friend of mine that has been cheering me up.

Then, when I come home from a day with the guys, I feel excited and satisfied at the same time. That’s because I just had a blast. We did stuff we wanted to do, just without a second thought. We may regret it later but who cares? At that moment, we wanted to do that so we did it. And nothing could stop us.

So that’s the difference between those kinds of friendships. There are friends from school, who I all love. We’re drama queens. That’s just what we do. And the old friends, who mean the world to me. It’s easy, it’s crazy, it’s just great. We take life as it comes and make the most of it.

This is not about who I like most, this is about completely different life styles.

And me in between… 

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